Sprouts Here at our earthly home

Getting completely spoiled by my mom dad and sister, we're upstairs taking a nap while they watch the boys :). Here's how it went, I don't wanna forget anything:  arrived at the hospital 7:00 am Nov. 4, 2011.  The same spot we said good bye to Gracie, dec. 10, 2009.  My mantra: this is where they deliver all the dead and living babies.  We arrived on the floor where Sarah another t-18 mamma of angel baby works  and is working tonight greeted me at the door with a big smile.  As well as Nurse in training Melissa and Trisha the wonder comfort nurse who we grew to love during our stay.  They brought us to room 216, Gracie was born in 209.  This was in a different spot but had a very similiar set-up.  I was expecting difficult flash backs but actually emotionally I'm staying calm and felt a closeness with Gracie as we got ready to deliver Sprout.  Each nurse respectfully let me know that they know my history and are totally here for me to make this a wonderful experience, they each want to know Gracie's name, and I'm delighted that they ask and am grateful for their compassion!  So I get the gown on and in the bed, which is horribly uncomfortable by the way.  Nurse Melissa checks my cervix, and very calmly says hmm I'm not sure that this baby is head down. She gets Trisha to double check and Trisha says its not feeling like a head.  The on call doctor comes in with ultrasound and sure enough he's breech!!  I'm totally stunned the last 4-5 checks over the last several weeks, he was head down even 60% effaced!  I can't get over it, anxiety sets in that I'll be having a c-section and totally not prepared for that.  They ask if I want to attempt version and accept the risks.  I agree but after reading all the bbc stories over the last few weeks and talking to megan I hope for the best but don't expect it to work.  the miracle doctor of version...Dr ML, happens to be there and she does the version, pushes really hard on every sore spot on my belly but gets him moved head down after a few minutes!!  I'm stunned and so extremely grateful that it worked!!  So now we're back on track.  They break my water and start piton.  The anesthesiologist, Amy (same one I had for Gracie) comes in to start the epi.  I talk Laiman in to stepping out so he doesn't pass out.  Amy doesn't seem to remember me when I said we've had her before, she must not of read my chart either cuz she thinks this is only my second baby.  Melissa and Trisha correct her and she still doesn't remember.  The epi seems to have been well placed I lay back in bed, but Amy starts freaking out and defends herself to Melissa and Trisha about why this might not be going so well.  So I start getting a little freaked out but I'm not sure why cuz I feel ok, but they tell me I lost all color in my face, pulse is up and BP is down.  I start feeling tingling in my hands and say that I feel like passing out and they get even more worried and start increasing my Iv fluids and doing all these extra checks.  The whole time they tell me baby is doing good and I'm extremely reassured.  Amy stays in the room for the next hour to monitor me.  Everything gets back to normal and Amy leaves.  Im a little unsure if epi was the best choice this time.  My contractions weren't all that bad and now I don't feel but I also don't get to see how huge the difference is.  In the past I waited so long for the epi that there was a tremendous difference once I was out of pain, not much difference this time.   I had forgotten that I have to lay at an uncomfortable 30% incline. Babies head isn't pushing down on my cervix and I can't sit up to let gravity help, plus my right leg gets over numb and becomes dead weight.  I have to rely on nurses to help me switch positions cuz of my stupid numb leg.  So I'm pretty numb and now I'm getting nauseous so they give me zofran which put me into a numb groggy state and I doze in and out and don't feel hardly any contractions.   I have a horrible dream about Gavin's grief over losing Gracie and it puts me into a tearful state.   I have to keep getting help flipping from side to side to let gravity do the work of spreading around the pain meds. Later in the afternoon the left side starts wearing off and I can feel each contraction and some of it seems constant with no breaks.  I keep feeling pressure in my bottom but every time they check, I'm not ready to push yet.  Dr e isn't there yet but the on call doctor is on standby in case she can't get there in time.  Finally I get to an 8 and we start taking bets on when it'll be time to push.  The contractions are super intense at this point.  It's so surreal, we're going to have a baby.  Finally dr e arrives, it's her day off but she delivers all of her babies.  She apologizes that it's so close and says her 9 yo daughter got sent home from school and dr e was making her write sentences the rest of the day.  We get a good laugh over her excuse. So finally it's time to push.  This time they have me try like 9-10 different push positions, a leg bar, a "pocket mirror" which actually is a full length mirror that allows you to see which muscles your engaging which proved to be very helpful and motivating, the pushing was sooo hard and tiring and I was extremely uncomfortable at this point.  I could see his head coming close to the surface but with each push it'd sneak back in.  This seemed to go on for hours and hours when actually I pushed for over an hour.  I was starting to worry that I was going to end up with a csection anyway after all this work.  But then the head started staying at the surface with each push.  And finally dr e said cough and 6-7 coughs later his head was out.  One more contraction and a couple more pushes and his whole body was out.  They put him up on my chest and we see him up close for the first time.  I don't get emotional, it takes me time to process my feelings.  But I'm so relieved that he's finally out.  Still a little anxious that something could be wrong with him.  I hold still with him on my chest while dr e finishes up the placenta delivery and the stitches for the 2nd degree tear which is very minor compared to after having Gavin.  We try getting him latched on.  He tries but won't stay sucking.  They take him to the other side of the room to do some exams and things.  I'm so relieved dr e says he's completely healthy after her exam.  He scored 9 out of 10 on the apgar, one point low cuz he wasn't as pink as they like but nothing to worry about.  Laiman calls his mom n dad so they can bring Gavin.  Shift change and my new nurse is denise who i love, she took care of me and Gracie when Gracie was born.  Gavin gets there and is so excited to see Sprout but is disappointed he didn't get to see him pop out, lol.  He's also hoping he can take Sprout to Grandma's right now, lol.  They take Gavin back to their house.  I have some guilt feelings about not being able to take care of Gavin right after giving birth. I know irrational but yet still my feelings. Denise won't let me get up until my leg starts working again.    I miss Sprouts bath cuz its on the other side of the room and my leg won't let me over there.  Laiman video tapes it.  We try nursing again, he's still not getting it and has tongue thrust issues and biting issues.  I know it's gonna take some time for this to work.  Gavin latched on right a way, Sprouts gonna need to practice. Second night, I'm up with Micah and look down at his ear while trying to nurse again.  His ear has an upside down heart in it.  I feel Gracie near by sending a heart shape wink as my friend Jaime would say.  Tears well up in my eyes and I enjoy this moment with my rainbow and my Gracie.  So close right now yet sooo far away most of the time.  So today I'm resting in bed listening to the reassuring sound of the angel care monitor beep while Micah is sleeping in the bassinet right next to my bed.  He is so lovely and precious and I have been tremendously enjoying each moment with him since we've met.  So grateful he's at the earthly home.

It's Peanut Butter and Jelly

We are hoping and praying again because I'm pregnant. Less than a month and a half from when we lost Snowflake we conceived another baby. Baby sprout is due around November 10-12. We could have a 11/11/11 baby :) I'm 7 weeks pregnant. I won't lie it's been much more difficult this time to be excited. I've had to work to be excited and work to have hope. But I have had some moments of excitement. The one thing that is totally different is I have guarded myself from the medical community making predictions about what may or not happen. They have done a beta Hcg level 2 consecutive series. I did not want to know the result. I told them all I want to know is if I'm pregnant or not. After the last beta series they told me my level is high enough for an ultrasound. So yesterday they did an impromptu ultrasound, squeezed me in. It was nice to not have to wait a week ahead worrying about what will be. They handled it nicely by suprising me with it. And Sprouts heart rate was 136. Thank God!! And measured 6 weeks 6 days, right on schedule. It was a relief but its sort of weird how this time I don't have a lot of doubt. Maybe it's cuz I don't want to stress myself out and I want to stay positive that everything is ok. I know how adrenalin can depleted progesterone which isn't good when you have a history of low progesterone anyway. I'm taking 200 mg of progesterone twice a day started this the day of my positive HPT.

We asked my three year old after the ultrasound if he knew what was in my tummy and he said "Peanut Butter and Jelly." I think he came up with this when the doctor asked for Jelly (the stuff the squirt on the ultrasound equipment lol.) He was quite interested in this request since jelly is one of his favorite foods lol.

Physically I'm blissfully sick which I don't mind at all cuz it gives me reassurance. In the afternoon I can hardly keep my eyes open. My boobies feel bruised. My head spins and my eyes don't keep up with what I'm doing half the time. All really good signs in my book.

I've stayed off google and the blogs to keep my thoughts from wondering into fear. I'm sorry I haven't read or provided support to anyone in quite a while. I feel like I need a break right now. I'm sure I'll be able to get back to it eventually.

My next decision I have to make is whether to stay with my doctor that I love and who has held my hand thru losing Gracie and Snowflake but she only has prevlidges at our local hospital which isn't a level 2 facility. I'm considering switching to a doctor who could deliver at a level 2 hospital 38 miles away. Every doctor I've dealt with besides my current doctor has been another nightmare for me so I hate to switch. Anyway, I so appreciate those of you who have stuck with me through thick and thin. I appreciate any positive thoughts and prayers you send my way.